Editorial Report 13b

This blog post pertains to the first paragraph of my essay, from the very first draft to the current version.

Here is the very first draft of the first paragraph:

UA Alerts first took to the scene of the U of A campus back in 2007. Taken directly from the UA Alert FAQ site, UA Alerts “will” inform students and staff about violent activity, hazards, and major disruptions to university activity. These categories include things such as an active shooter, an immediate threat to the UA community, including off-campus events, power outages, gas leaks, etc. Sounds simple enough. Except these are not the alerts we are receiving. The only alerts students and staff have received during the 2015-2016 school year were as follows: power outages and a gas leak.

Here is the draft from my rough cut:

UA Alerts were first implemented on campus in 2007. But what are these alerts supposed to do? According to the UA Alert FAQ site, UA Alerts “will” inform students and staff about violent activity, hazards, and major disruptions to university activity. Including things such as an active shooter, an immediate threat to the UA community, including off-campus events, power outages, gas leaks, etc. Sounds like the alerts should be simple enough. However the only alerts students and staff have received during the 2015-2016 school year were about a gas leak and a couple power outages. Which would be fine except that other crimes including sexual assaults and a shooting across the street from campus also occurred.

Here is what I have at the present moment for the first paragraph:

UA Alerts first took to the scene of the U of A campus back in 2007. Taken directly from the UA Alert FAQ site, UA Alerts “will” inform students and staff about violent activity, hazards, and major disruptions to university activity. These categories include things such as an active shooter, an immediate threat to the UA community, including off-campus events, power outages, gas leaks, etc. Just by reading this from the website it would seem as though this a good system that informs students and staff of all dangers on and around campus in order to keep people safe. Unfortunately, these are not the alerts we are receiving. The only alerts students and staff have received during the 2015-2016 school year were as follows: power outages and a gas leak. However, there are definitely more instances of crime and potentially dangerous situations that have taken place. Yet, those things were not reported on.


Questions:

1. How did the content change when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

Again, I added more information to further explain the alerts and how they are supposed to be. This gives a more clear basis to the reader about what the alerts should do, so when they read further it will help my argument develop more.

2. How did the form change when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more efficiently in the re-edited version?


I felt as though the form was already strong for this paragraph so I think I just left that alone and focused more on editing the content.