Editorial Report 13a

This blog post is comparing and contrasting a couple of paragraphs from the very beginning of my project to the state it is in now.

Here is the very first draft of my opening paragraph:

UA Alerts. We’ve all heard of them. We’ve all been frustrated with them. But they haven’t always been unhelpful. They used to inform students about issues happening on or around campus. So what’s the deal lately? These alerts aren’t doing what they should be.

Here is the version from my rough cut:


UA Alerts. We’ve all heard of them. And it's needless to say that this year they have not fulfilled what they should be. But they haven’t always been this unhelpful. A couple years ago, according to older students, UA Alerts used to inform the campus about all events that posed a possible issue. So what happened this year? The alert system definitely needs to be reformed in order to continue providing safety around campus.


Here is the updated version I have now:

UA Alerts. We have all heard of them. We have all been frustrated with them. We have all wondered why we are not receiving information. But they have not always been this unhelpful. Only a few years ago they used to help students and inform them of what was happening on campus. So what is the deal lately? These alerts definitely are not doing what they should be.

Questions:

1. How did the content change when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

I added more information to help the introduction lead into the essay better. I think this creates not only a stronger introduction but also a more clear introduction to allow the reader to more easily understand what the entire essay will be talking about.

2. How did the form change when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more efficiently in the re-edited version?

The main thing is that I took out all contractions. As I was editing it I realized that in a typical college essay contractions are looked down upon so I need to make sure I take them out of the rest of my essay as well. I feel as though it makes the beginning sound more professional already.