Local Revision: Wordiness

"Magnifying Glass, Pencil, Search" March 2013 via pixabay. Public domain dedication

Looking through my QRG, I noticed most of my paragraphs are fairly short (which I believe is a good thing), but the one posted below was definitely one of the noticeably longest.

Longest paragraph from my QRG:

"The thousands that gathered in the streets in Downtown L.A. for this protest all had the same goal. To raise the minimum wage. But a legislation has already been passed in Los Angeles regarding the minimum wage. An article in KTLA states that the legislation says 'minimum wage workers in California will see a bump in hourly pay in 2016, as the rate increases by a dollar to $10 beginning Jan. 1.'"

Same paragraph after revising and shortening:

The thousands that gathered in the streets in Downtown L.A. all had the same goal of raising the minimum wage. However a legislation, stating that 'minimum wage workers in California will see a bump in hourly pay in 2016, as the rate increases by a dollar to $10 beginning Jan. 1.'" Found in this KTLA article.

How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?

The rewritten section is different from the original because it is not only shorter but worded slightly differently. In my perspective I think that this section is easier to read now after being reworded and therefore is better to include in my project than the original.